Focus

[This is the first article of a series that I intend to write regarding the various transitions we face in our lives. Other transitions include such experiences as, marriage/divorce, changing jobs, entering the job market, death of loved ones, entering adulthood, as well as others.]

 

Introduction: Encountering Transitions as a Way of Life

At 62 years of age, I’m beginning to understand the full force of what it means when people say, “Life is about transitions.” Fortunately or unfortunately (perhaps both), I’m also beginning to understand what people mean when they say that they have come to realize what lessons for living they have missed along the way. And finally, rather than getting stuck on the fact that I have missed lessons along life’s path, I’m beginning to understand the potency of the statement, “Time starts now.” I wish it hadn’t taken me 62 years to realize these things, but it has. And so it is.

We all face transitions in life and continual opportunities to learn lessons about living, particularly lessons about pursuing and carving out the kind of life we desire for ourselves. As a counselor, I have come to believe that the thrust of counseling is about helping people come to grips with who they are, determining how they want to live, and finding ways to navigate the many transitions in life that they will face, learning lessons and making meaning of all these experiences along the way. In short, I view counseling as a journey with clients as they figure out for themselves how to obtain a fulfilling life.

Transitions in our lives come about for a variety of reasons. We may choose them, or they may be thrust upon us through events out of our control. Even when we choose them, we may be thrown headlong into experiences we didn’t count on. How we make sense of these transitions and imbue them with meaning contribute to how well we will navigate them and get through them. These experiences represent the many struggles of living. Sometimes they are minor struggles; sometimes they are major ones. Without intending to delineate an objective list of transitions, I want to discuss how an existential approach to counseling can enable clients to work through some of the recurring transitions that clients tend to bring into the counseling room. This first article of an intended series that I have entitled, Transitions, focuses on age and retirement.

 

Exploring the Meaning of Age and Retirement

We value work in our culture. At a core level, many people view career as a major part of their identity. “I am an accountant . . . a teacher . . . a doctor . . . etc,” are statements we hear constantly and ones we have most likely said about ourselves to others. Productivity is a core value associated with work and career. No one likes to believe or feel on some level that he or she is unproductive. Moreover, many of us pursue a career in order to contribute, make a difference, or establish some kind of legacy. For others work is a means to the end of pursuing more fulfilling experiences. Whatever the role that work and career fill for us, when we face that time when we will no longer be working and producing as we have been, we cannot help but encounter a major transition in our lives. Some people navigate this transition rather smoothly, having planned well along the way. Other people find that retirement and growing older is an event that they never saw as being just around the corner. They turn one of those many corners of life, and there it is: I’m 62 years old. What the hell happened to the time? Time is a major theme in existential thought. What have I done with my time? How much of it do I have left? Or I never seem to have enough of it. These are common questions or thoughts that people have about time. Consequently, individuals enter counseling to deal with the struggle of what this transition will mean for them. They may state their struggle in terms of, “If I’m not a productive person, then what good am I?” Or they may ponder the notion, “Since I’ve been working all these years, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my time now.”

 

Age, Retirement and the Four Dimensions of Existential Psychotherapy

The experience of growing older and retiring from work can be conceptualized from all four dimensions of existential therapy as delineated by Emmy van Deurzen. In the physical realm, age takes a toll on us in that we cannot do the things we used to. At 62, I can vouch for that. Those pick-up touch football games ceased many years ago. Although I can still work a twelve-to-fourteen-hour-day, it takes much more out of me than it used to. I can no longer go on four hours of sleep and get up and face the day with full energy. Also, as our fall and winter years approach, we will most likely face some health concerns. So the physical realm definitely raises its unwanted head as we age. Existential therapy helps people come to grips with this physical reality.

In the social arena, age and retirement impact us no less than in the physical dimension. Relationships change; some relationships, such as co-worker relations, end. Spending more time at home throws spouses or significant others into a different daily routine. Spending more time together at home presents a transition that people must learn to navigate. If one member of a couple continues to work, that individual may have to deal with the emotional fallout experienced by the retired loved one. Tighter budgets mean that the couple may not be able to do all the activities that they had previously enjoyed. Finances (another issue altogether, no matter what people’s age happens to be) are a constant threat to a couples’ wellbeing. Families change, friendships change, activities change – life altogether changes as people age and retire from work or career.

The personal dimension is the area that most likely takes the hardest hit during this transition. As I stated previously, people attach meaning, purpose, value, and personal fulfillment to their work or career. We have all heard that damning phrase, “Out to pasture.” No one likes it or agrees that such a epitaph should be placed on one who has reached a certain age and retired from work. Nonetheless, on a personal level, we all struggle with what that time of life means for us. And given the cultural value of work, we can’t help but question our personal value if we are no longer “producing.” Value, identity, and personal meaning can take a severe blow as we experience this transition.

The spiritual dimension speaks more directly to meaning making, and this notion is no less true for people navigating the time of age and retirement. Indeed, much of therapy may revolve around the struggle of how clients are to make meaning of this time of their lives. Many people may, in fact, embrace their religious and/or spiritual beliefs to help them navigate this transition. Through counseling, clients can also use the spiritual dimension to explore the question, “How can I make this transition a time of opportunity rather than one of restricted living?” Although age and retirement may mean an end to certain experiences, there is no reason that this transition should mean simply an “end.” People can view the transition of age and retirement as a path to explore rather than an existence that has corralled them. Such conversations can be very fruitful and therapeutic ones. This time of life can also become a fruitful time for people to take stock and reflect on their lives and the many lessons that have served them along the way, even the ones missed. Such reflection involves pain and disappointment as well as joy and fulfillment. But taking stock of our lives is one the themes of an existential approach to therapy. I personally experience the thought at times that I would like to go back to my younger years, knowing what I know now. Not only does such a fantasy rob life of its learning, but it leads us to desire capturing lost time and learning lessons at a time we would have preferred to learn them. Such desires miss the point that, “Time starts now.” The Christian mystic, Thomas A’ Kempis, in his renown work, The Imitation of Christ, wisely stated, “When you think of those things you would have done earlier in life but didn’t do, do them now.” Such an understanding of living does not mean that we do not have a past that impacts us. But it does mean that we can waste the remaining time we do have pining away on the notion that somehow we can go back and alter our past.

And finally, coming to grips with this time of life brings us to a theme that is ever hauntingly present in our existence. Aging and diminishing capacities mean that we are approaching that mysterious experience that poses many questions but few answers. We are all going to die. And although this theme cuts across the various dimensions of existence, we tend to grapple with it in the spiritual arena. At 62 years old and given the “thrownness” of my family history and genetics, I realize that most likely more than three-quarters of my life is done. This is not a transition that I relish to contemplate. Yet life calls on us to contemplate such realities. Paraphrasing the Logotherapist, Viktor Frankl, what matters is not what we demand of life but what life demands of us. How do we want to approach those final years? Do we quake under the weight of our destinies? Or do we continue to live fully to the finish? An existential approach to counseling can help clients explore these questions.

 

Conclusion

There are many other ways to view and navigate the transition of age and retirement. First, who says one MUST retire? Some people may choose to work until they finish. Nor does retirement have to mean that productivity ceases. There are many ways to be productive in addition to ones career. As difficult as it may seem, a conversation about this transition is not merely one for people at retirement age. Talking about this transition to younger people can help them begin to think about how they want to enter the fall of their lives. Although nothing can be perfectly predicted and totally planned for, there is a place for thinking about ones latter years earlier in life. That is one of those lessons of life that I wish I had learned at an earlier age. Yet at the same time to excessively ruminate about such things can freeze us up rather than propelling us to live. How we come to grips with our final destiny can be enlivening. Or we can let it weigh us down.

Age and retirement represent one of the many types of transitions that individuals face in life. People can engage an existential approach to counseling to help them navigate this transition in more fulfilling ways. There are no guarantees that all people will face this transition in a healthy and fulfilling manner. But the opportunity for them to do so is there if they choose to explore and leave open the many options that people can embrace in life, whether or not they retire from their career.